Thursday, January 12, 2012

There's A Certain Calm And Then There's Light.










































I feel very inexplicable right now. There are no real words to sum up what just happened to me or how I feel about them. It's just a feeling in my whole body. But I'll try to sum it up as best I can. 
I've just finished my semester working with Emma Dodge Hanson, a local Saratoga photographer, and I'm still figuring out for myself exactly how I feel about it. 
It's so strange to me that you can be in the midst of something so emotionally intensive and want nothing more than to jump off a building or strangle someone or scream or just give up and walk away, but when it ends you are wishing you had just a little more time. 
Endings I’ve found, never go the way we want or plan them too. 
I think this is because ultimately, we fear endings.
The end of a Life.
The end of a Love.
The end of Dependence.
The end of Independence. 
I've had to get through a lot of endings recently and I've come to realize that there will never be a time in our lives when something isn't coming to an end. 
The end of a book. 
The end of a movie. 
The end of a meal. 
The end of a day. 
The end of an experience. 
It’s been a hard concept to grasp—to fully understand. I’m still working on accepting it to be perfectly honest, but I know when I do finally come to terms with it, it will be for the better.
I can tell I am on the cusp of an epiphany. On the other side of this strange calm is light, I just know it.
But anyway.

As it often does, music has been helping me through this very disorienting phase of my life. A song I’ve been taking solace in recently is called “Balance” by Future Islands. The lyrics go a little something like this:

You can clean around the wound
But if you want it to heal
It just takes time

And you can go to the moon
But if you want something to change
You gotta change your life
And take your time

It just takes time
It just takes time
It just takes time
Hard work and your time

And the sun will leave the room
And leave you to the night
And that's alright
Because before the moonbeam comes
There's a certain calm
And then there's light

It just takes time
It just takes time
A little trust and your time
You can change your life
It just takes time
A little trust and your time

And I can sit and talk
Cause I was just like you
So arrogant and brave
Impetuous and rude

But trust me as a friend
And I'll do all that I can do
And I'd do anything for you
Because I want to see you through

It just takes time
Hard work and your time
You can change your life

It just takes time
A little trust and your time
A little trust and your time
A little trust and your time
It just takes time
It just takes time
Hard work and your time
Hard work and your time.

Pretty much sums up the past few months for me. Like I said, I often turn to music to find clarity in my life. When my friend died I listened to “Moment 4 Life” by Nicki Minaj. When my friend’s dad passed away I listened to “Hold You In My Arms” by Ray LaMontagne. When I get to the top of a mountain I listen to “Sweet Disposition” by Temper Trap. When I finished my first year of university I listened to “Things Will Never Be The Same” by JJ—and now, at the end of this semester I listen to “Balance.” Each song has meaning behind it that I relate to at that particular moment in time. “Moment 4 Life” is about relishing in every second of our lives. It’s about being alive and what that means. It’s about seizing the day. In my sadness over Maggie’s death, I thought about all the things she would miss in her life—all the things she deserved to experience and never would. I thought a lot about my own life and what I still had to see and learn. In her honor, I now try to live my life with as much vitality as I can. I appreciate everything I am lucky enough to witness. I try to live now rather than merely exist—after all every moment here is precious. I listened to Ray LaMontagne when Ken died and realized how hard it will be when I eventually have to lose my own father. What it will be like to go on without one of the most important people in my life. I listened to JJ last year when I was assessing and coming to terms with everything I had learned about myself, and came to realize (appropriately) that things would in fact, never be the same again. Each song narrates my life in some form or another.
“Balance” affects me similarly. The way I see it, it’s about growing up—it’s about growing from each life experience good, bad or in between. It’s about being the change you want to see in yourself. It’s about patience. It’s about finding clarity in your life. It’s about finding trust not only in others, but also within yourself. It’s about never giving up.
These past few months have really put me to the test in each and every one of these ways. Nothing about this semester was ever easy. I fought for every success I got and I worked my ass off. I jeopardized my grades, my sanity and my body (along with several others). I pushed myself harder than I ever have before. I went through every single emotion weekly from complete and utter defeat to murderous frustration to euphoric happiness. I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. To be quite honest, I wasn’t sure if I was going to get through it at times. I questioned my ability as an artist and as a human being, but through it all I see now that I can do this. I can do whatever I set my mind to because I’m fucking awesome.
I am talented. I am smart. I am brave. I am strong.
And that is the truth, pure and simple. I have learnt through all of this that I need to give myself a little more credit for my accomplishments.
It’s taken me almost 20 years to realize it, but I finally see what it takes to be the person I truly want to be.
It takes passion. It takes patience. It takes a lot of fucking work.
And I know now that I can do it.


I guess the Future Islands were right after all. I guess Emma was right too... Although I'll never admit it to her.

Be gentle with these photographs, I have poured my heart and soul into them.

Here’s to finding your own self—may the journey bring you happiness, fulfillment and Balance.
-Lo