I did this shoot with one of my best friends Jasmine. It was at the end of the school year and we were packing up my room getting ready to come home so there was shit all over the place in boxes and on the floor--I think every inch of my room, every surface available was covered by an article of clothing or sheets or whatever else I own... One day we found this pack of balloons and proceeded to drop everything productive we set out to accomplish, and began to play with the them. After an hour or so Jas had fashioned this cool headdress out of them and was wearing it all around campus.
So naturally I had to photograph it.
Enjoy with a little Gossip playing in the background.
Some Notes.
1. Waiting Part I
2. Waiting Part II
3. Inhale Part I
4. His Mind Is Somewhere Else
5. Inhale Part II
6. This Is Not A Canvas
7. Waiting Part III
8. Untitled
I feel very inexplicable right now. There are no real words to sum up what just happened to me or how I feel about them. It's just a feeling in my whole body. But I'll try to sum it up as best I can.
I've just finished my semester working with Emma Dodge Hanson, a local Saratoga photographer, and I'm still figuring out for myself exactly how I feel about it.
It's so strange to me that you can be in the midst of something so emotionally intensive and want nothing more than to jump off a building or strangle someone or scream or just give up and walk away, but when it ends you are wishing you had just a little more time.
Endings I’ve found, never go the way we want or plan them too.
I think this is because ultimately, we fear endings.
The end of a Life.
The end of a Love.
The end of Dependence.
The end of Independence.
I've had to get through a lot of endings recently and I've come to realize that there will never be a time in our lives when something isn't coming to an end.
The end of a book.
The end of a movie.
The end of a meal.
The end of a day.
The end of an experience.
It’s been a hard concept to grasp—to fully understand. I’m still working on accepting it to be perfectly honest, but I know when I do finally come to terms with it, it will be for the better.
I can tell I am on the cusp of an epiphany. On the other side of this strange calm is light, I just know it.
But anyway.
As it often does, music has been helping me through this very disorienting phase of my life. A song I’ve been taking solace in recently is called “Balance” by Future Islands. The lyrics go a little something like this:
You can clean around the wound
But if you want it to heal
It just takes time
And you can go to the moon
But if you want something to change
You gotta change your life
And take your time
It just takes time
It just takes time
It just takes time
Hard work and your time
And the sun will leave the room
And leave you to the night
And that's alright
Because before the moonbeam comes
There's a certain calm
And then there's light
It just takes time
It just takes time
A little trust and your time
You can change your life
It just takes time
A little trust and your time
And I can sit and talk
Cause I was just like you
So arrogant and brave
Impetuous and rude
But trust me as a friend
And I'll do all that I can do
And I'd do anything for you
Because I want to see you through
It just takes time
Hard work and your time
You can change your life
It just takes time
A little trust and your time
A little trust and your time
A little trust and your time
It just takes time
It just takes time
Hard work and your time
Hard work and your time.
Pretty much sums up the past few months for me. Like I said, I often turn to music to find clarity in my life. When my friend died I listened to “Moment 4 Life” by Nicki Minaj. When my friend’s dad passed away I listened to “Hold You In My Arms” by Ray LaMontagne. When I get to the top of a mountain I listen to “Sweet Disposition” by Temper Trap. When I finished my first year of university I listened to “Things Will Never Be The Same” by JJ—and now, at the end of this semester I listen to “Balance.” Each song has meaning behind it that I relate to at that particular moment in time. “Moment 4 Life” is about relishing in every second of our lives. It’s about being alive and what that means. It’s about seizing the day. In my sadness over Maggie’s death, I thought about all the things she would miss in her life—all the things she deserved to experience and never would. I thought a lot about my own life and what I still had to see and learn. In her honor, I now try to live my life with as much vitality as I can. I appreciate everything I am lucky enough to witness. I try to live now rather than merely exist—after all every moment here is precious. I listened to Ray LaMontagne when Ken died and realized how hard it will be when I eventually have to lose my own father. What it will be like to go on without one of the most important people in my life. I listened to JJ last year when I was assessing and coming to terms with everything I had learned about myself, and came to realize (appropriately) that things would in fact, never be the same again. Each song narrates my life in some form or another.
“Balance” affects me similarly. The way I see it, it’s about growing up—it’s about growing from each life experience good, bad or in between. It’s about being the change you want to see in yourself. It’s about patience. It’s about finding clarity in your life. It’s about finding trust not only in others, but also within yourself. It’s about never giving up.
These past few months have really put me to the test in each and every one of these ways. Nothing about this semester was ever easy. I fought for every success I got and I worked my ass off. I jeopardized my grades, my sanity and my body (along with several others). I pushed myself harder than I ever have before. I went through every single emotion weekly from complete and utter defeat to murderous frustration to euphoric happiness. I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. To be quite honest, I wasn’t sure if I was going to get through it at times. I questioned my ability as an artist and as a human being, but through it all I see now that I can do this. I can do whatever I set my mind to because I’m fucking awesome.
I am talented. I am smart. I am brave. I am strong.
And that is the truth, pure and simple. I have learnt through all of this that I need to give myself a little more credit for my accomplishments.
It’s taken me almost 20 years to realize it, but I finally see what it takes to be the person I truly want to be.
It takes passion. It takes patience. It takes a lot of fucking work.
And I know now that I can do it.
I guess the Future Islands were right after all. I guess Emma was right too... Although I'll never admit it to her.
Be gentle with these photographs, I have poured my heart and soul into them.
Here’s to finding your own self—may the journey bring you happiness, fulfillment and Balance.
Why do we so often take our friends for granted?
Our beautiful, talented, amazing friends? The people who keep us from going crazy. The people who support us in all our endeavors. The people who shape who we become and inspire everyday.
Our go-to therapists.
Our shopping buddies.
Our out-on-the-town partners in crime.
Our shoulder to cry on.
Our families when we can't be with the actual ones (Or we need a little break from them).
Losing a friend this year has made me realize that the people who lift us up on a daily basis are far too important to let slip away. She has made me understand just how fleeting our lives really are. Just how precious our moments here all together are.
I don't want to make this post a big long mushy rant about how fantastic the people in my life are--I hope they already know how much I love them and how important they all are to me (That, and I fear I'm beginning to sound like a broken record going on and on about you crazy kids in every damn post). I just wanted to show off the fantastic people in my life and to say thank you for making me a better person than I ever thought I could be. Thank you for being my pillars, my rocks, my constants--you know who you are, and this is for you, regardless of whether I've photographed you or not...
Love You, Miss You, and Thank You. And for the record, y'all are more than alright...
-Lo
Some Notes.
1. Molly (Sex!)
2. Frasier (#ThugLife)
3. Paxton
4. Miguel
5. Wyatt
6. Daniel
7. Liz & Emma (Genie Babes)
8. David
9. Kendall (Gaga Loves You)
10. Ivy
11. Kate (The Most Beautiful Man I Know)
12. Lena (Ringmaster)
13. Sophie (Solid As A Rock)
14. Kira
15. Roya & Rachid
16. ROYGBIV (A Tisket, A Tasket)
17. Meredith
18. Maggie R.I.P (Man Ray's Tears)
For the past month I've been living down in Bend, Oregon with the family and last week my dad and his friend took all the daughters (and son) on a little fishing trip.
I have to say I think I'm pretty damn good at fishing.
We drove up towards Bachelor Mountain (which is technically a butte in case you didn't know!) and pulled off at a little spot on the Upper Deschutes, which is part of the Deschutes River, one of the big rivers that flows through Central Oregon (others include the Mackenzie and the Umpqua). As we were driving up the mountain it was so beautiful I stuck my little plastic Holga out the sunroof and snapped the first shot. The thing I love about Holgas is the way they capture color-so saturated and dreamy. In the past few years plastic cameras have become very hipster (a term I don't care to be associated with, which, many people will say makes me even more hipster but I'm really NOT hipster and I don't know how else to say it...) so I have held back on using mine, but I'm a sucker for vintage-esque photos so I caved and brought it down instead of the Nikon. Plus, I think film and the romantic quality the camera gives each shot adds another layer of nostalgia to the series. It's like looking in on a special moment in time, but it's different than looking at photographs taken with with digital cameras. Not that I don't love and appreciate digital cameras-you can do so much more with digital, not-to-mention cut prices by at least half (I got four rolls of 120mm film developed and it cost me $65, a pretty steep price for something you have no idea will turn out or not). But, I have a job now, so I decided to spend a little extra money on my photographic endeavors this summer and go film for a change. I remember I used to be so against digital. The only reason I did end up going digital is because of the Peru trip. Then of course I realized how silly I was being and made the switch for good. It it nice to use film every now and again though.
Anyways, here I am taking a massive tangent on cameras. Back to the fishing trip.
So we get to the river and the dads suit up in the works-waders, giant fanny-pack type things with boxes of flies, and Jungle Juice and all kinds of goos and powders that make the flies float (and snacks of course) and all the kids are in shorts and t-shirts lookin like noobs. So we get out onto the river and I immediately jump in and wade out to the middle which in turn washes off all the bug juice I've put all over myself, and I get eaten alive by the skeeters (as my 7 year old cousin calls calls them). I don't notice though because I'm trying to figure out how to cast the line correctly. In fact the first fish I caught, was behind me because I cast incorrectly and the line landed upstream.
Needless to say when I went to cast, the fish I'd hooked hit me square in the face.
After that though, it got much better and I went on to catch five (count em' five!) baby Rainbow Trout (not actual babies, but very small ones).
Other memorable moments in the day?
Losing a bottle of Pepsi out of my backpack and mistaking it for a really big fish jumping just behind me.
My dad, running downstream to catch said bottle of Pepsi in desperate need of a refreshing beverage.
Sophie catching her first fish and screaming at the top of her lungs.
Sophie catching her second fish and screaming at the top of her lungs.
Sophie naming her two fish Rolfe and Jeremiah.
All in all it was a pretty great day. Can't wait to go again this week.
Photo Notes.
1. The drive up.
2. Deschutes River Sign.
3. The bridge for cars to cross the river.
4. Deschutes National Forest.
5. A pro at work. (Dad)
6. My first (and second!) fish.
7. Teva-tanned feet.
8. Upper Deschutes River.
Here's to your first fish: may it slap you in the face.
-Lo
